Author: andrewelsass

Travel=perspective

Published at In Category Travel Leave a comment

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.”

-Henry Miller

–

If you’ve lived in one place your whole life, can you really be prideful of it?

Ever since I was young and my family would take annual summer vacations to the southern United States, I have been fascinated with travel.

The fundamental similarities interwoven with all of the considerable differences in each state intrigued me to no end. How something as insignificant as a few hundred miles and a border drawn up on a map could make for such large distinctions in the way people acted, thought, and lived, injected me with wanderlust.

Seeing a chain of grocery stores or gas stations that were foreign to me had my young mind entertaining the thought that we all live in slightly parallel universes, as did seeing completely different stories take the front page of newspapers depending on what state I was in.

Daily life is rendered anew again through the lens of travel, and something as simple as figuring out where I am going to eat dinner becomes an adventure to me.

–

The idea that travel gives perspective is not a new one by any means.

I have been fortunate enough in the past year to acquire a job that allows me to go to many new places for both work and for pleasure. And while so far it’s only been within the continental United States, travel has given me an immense appreciation for both where I’ve come from originally and where I live now.

Living in Ohio for the first 22 years of my life, a place that in my head was as mundane and plain as one could get, working in New York gave me levels of pride about my home state that I had never had before. I began to see my old home in a new light and began to really take notice of all of the unique and great things it had to offer.

There is certainly nothing wrong with not having the travel bug and wanting to stay close to your roots. I actually admire the level of contentment people can have with staying in one place compared to my gross addiction of change and new experiences.

However, I find the the hubris of some of those that have lived in one place their whole life baffling. Because in reality, it was the travelers (moreso in the pre-internet age) that dared to venture outside their borders that ended up defining a place’s identity by discovering what was unique about it.

Only from travel could the true character of a place be cultivated. Having points of reference to other places on the map allowed discoveries like “they’re the only people that do this” or “wow, this dish I ate every week as a child is actually a really unique thing to where I am from” to be made.

I realize travel is a luxury and that my situation is incredibly fortunate compared to most.

However, I can’t help but shake my head when I encounter bullheadedness towards even the idea of travel combined with stubborn ethnocentrism towards the randomly-determined home that the offender happened to be born into.

The ideal they cling onto so proudly only exists because someone else has traveled and seen the differences in how they and others live and don’t live.

Would Southerners boast about their corn bread, sweet tea, and grits if people in the Pacific Northwest were making the same dishes? Highly unlikely.

–

And not only does travelling give me a kind of geographical and cultural perspective, but also a personal one.

Travelling takes me out of my daily routine, and as much as I love what I do every day, when I get taken out of this groove it allows me to view how I am going about my life from afar. This gives me a new angle on what I can do differently when I return, or just simply reignites my drive after a mini-vacation of sorts.

For instance, the majority of this post was actually written in an airport cafe (one of my favorite places for reflection) on the way back from a trip that ended up helping me re-discover how grateful I am for my current life situation and location.

But had I not shined the light of awareness on how others are living, objectivity towards my own life would still be in the dark.

If not by travelling, how do you personally gain perspective about your life and the world?

90 Strangers in 30 Days: Five Big Takeaways

Published at In Category Social Skills 2 Comments

ANDREW ELSASS

Five Big Takeaways From 90 Strangers in 30 Days

This post was from a 30-day social experiment I did as a way to try and improve my social skills. Also check out the project hub page, post-project recap, five biggest takeaways, frequently asked questions, the original reddit post, and the subsequent TEDx Talk.  

What have we learned, Charlie Brown?

1. Pursue Your Passions

One thing massively reinforced was the value of pursuing the things I am most interested in. As you can see on the data sheet, the overwhelming majority of the people I met came simply through doing what I enjoy, be it fitness classes, swing dancing, or hanging out in coffee shops. Not surprisingly, of all the people I met, the ones I vibed with best were those that I had a mutual interest with from the beginning.

Many in my generation seem to be under the impression that friends will just apparate like they did in grade school and college. Sorry, but it’s a different ballgame now. I may be a broken record at this point, but building friendships takes consistent effort. It takes work. But that work can be made easier by going out and doing whatever it is you love most, or going out and trying a new hobby. I imagine volunteering and religious groups are also great ways to meet like-minded people.

If not for group fitness classes, this project probably would have been extremely difficult.

2. Hot and Un-bothered

One limiting belief I used to have towards starting conversations in public was that I would be bothering people. Sure, there are times when this could be the case, but it is quickly learned when someone is genuinely busy and probably not in the mood to chit-chat versus someone that is aimlessly killing time on their phone.

How I came to think about it is this–if I were in that person’s situation, and someone cheerful and open started talking to me, would I be annoyed, or not mind at all?

I didn’t keep any kind of data on this, but 99% of the people I talked to were extremely polite back–people in general are nicer than we give them credit for. And the two or three people (out of 118) that ignored me or just said ‘Yeah’ and walked away? Chances are they weren’t worth my time trying to get to know them anyway, they themselves weren’t very confident people, or who knows, maybe they were having the worst day of their life. Or maybe they just didn’t have anything to say. No harm, no foul.

The amount of people that were even remotely ‘weirded out’ by me I could probably count on one hand, and although I can come on strong (perhaps overcompensating slightly from my shy days) this happened even less than I would have predicted.

3. Quick on the Draw

Also reinforced, but still extremely important, turned out to be the power of not hesitating when starting conversations. No matter how anti-social, socially awkward, whatever, someone paints themselves to be, they will never come off that way if they start a conversation- or even just acknowledge someone within the first three seconds that they are near them. This is a sign of assertiveness and confidence.

Waiting not only rifles every excuse a person can think of not to say anything through their head, it also aggrandizes those beliefs that they aren’t a confident person, are socially awkward, and all the other nonsense we tell ourselves.

The trick is acting so fast that the mind doesn’t have time to tell the body all the reasons it shouldn’t be doing this.

4. The Lonely Socialites

The biggest surprise to me was not anything that I learned through any of the interactions, but instead from my existing friends. Coincidentally through conversation with a few of my peers–not even always about the experiment–I learned that an extremely high percentage of them wished they were more social.

 

A few old friends also texted or messaged me out of the blue saying that they could completely relate to my message and what I was trying to do.

 

Not only does this make a beginning blogger feel amazing, it actually gave me a few startup business ideas, if not just a concept for another book. It was a refreshing feeling to discover that becoming more social and personable was not something that only I was interested in, but was a struggle many people, especially in my age group, can relate to.

 

Most of these people, to me, seem like very socially-active individuals, too- they just wait for someone else to make the first move. Be that someone else.

5. Everyone and Their Brother 

Ultimately, the most important thing, again, is to talk to everyone. I can’t state the importance of this enough.

 

Talking to everyone will make you happier, make you smarter, make you more confident, get you more friends, get you more dates, get you a better job, and make you see that the people of this world are inherently good.

 

And because really, it only takes one person to change your life.

Want to try 90 Strangers in 30 Days for yourself?

90 Strangers in 30 Days: Project Recap and FAQ

Published at In Category Social Skills 4 Comments

ANDREW ELSASS

Project Data and Review

This post was from a 30-day social experiment I did as a way to try and improve my social skills. Also check out the project hub page, post-project recap, five biggest takeaways, frequently asked questions, the original reddit post, and the subsequent TEDx Talk.  

Like a blur, June came and went, and at the end of the month I had chatted with (or attempted to) 118 strangers.

View the final data sheet (PDF).

 (Yes, there are one or two on there that probably didn’t meet the criteria of my initial rules; in particular, an instance where I was straight up ignored by someone in Target. I thought it was important to include simply because that can and will happen on occasion, and I found it hilarious)

 

And in lieu of spending way too many hours in MS Paint, I decided to nix the visual map.  I think the numbers below paint a good enough picture.

Data Breakdown

By age:

Teens: 6 (5%)
20s: 63 (53%)
30s: 24 (20%)
40s: 13 (11%)
50s: 10 (8%)
60s: 2 (2%)

By gender:

F: 75 (64%)
M: 43 (36%)

By demographic:

FTeens: 6 (5%)
F20s: 41 (35%)
F30s: 14 (12%)
F40s: 9 (8%)
F50s: 3 (3%)
F60s: 2 (2%)
M20s: 22 (19%)
M30s: 10 (8%)
M40s: 4 (3%)
M50s: 7 (6%)

By location:

Airport: 2 (2%)
Apartment Complex: 5 (4%)
Bar: 17 (14%)
Baseball Game: 1 (<1%)
Coffee Shop: 4 (3%)
Concert: 4 (3%)
Conference: 2 (2%)
CrossFit: 15 (13%)
Grocery: 5 (4%)
Library: 1 (<1%)
Liquor Store: 1 (<1%)
Mall: 5 (4%)
Networking Event: 8 (7%)
Pageant Judging: 3 (3%)
Party: 10 (8%)
Plane: 3 (3%)
Restaurant: 8 (7%)
Retail Store: 3 (3%)
Swing Dancing: 10 (8%)
Toastmasters: 2 (2%)
Work Trip: 9 (8%)

Did we exchange names?

Yes: 78 (66%)
No: 40 (34%)


—


The most surprising thing about this challenge was how hard it wasn’t–I didn’t really need to change my daily habits that much to put myself in the way of strangers to talk to.

When I was thinking up the experiment, I had envisioned having to run out to bars on weeknights to talk to whoever was around out of desperation to meet my quota. This rarely happened and made me realize just how many opportunities throughout the course of a ‘normal’ day there are to meet new people.

That said, there were still nights that the project felt like the bane of my existence and when I just wanted to stay home and do anything besides forcing conversation with random strangers. However, this apathy often put me in a carefree state, which lead to some fun and interesting conversations.

Not seen on the data sheet is all of the quality conversations I also had with people that technically didn’t ‘count’ by my rules, such as waitresses, bartenders, and hotel staff.

And while “talk to everyone” is a creed I have tried to live by for a while now, my thought process and observations about it were completely different since I was now doing it with a more experimental and monitored mindset.

 

More FAQs/In Review

Was it hard at all?

As in just doing the act of talking to three strangers a day? No. Not really. Harder for me was not relying on the same lazy opening dialogue with every single person, trying to meet people in a variety of places, and trying to have genuine conversations, and not just short, meaningless exchanges for the sole purpose of checking off one of my boxes for the day.

The hardest days were when it got to be 8PM and I still needed to talk to two or three people. Again, this still happened way less than I had anticipated and just goes to show how many opportunities there are to meet new people throughout the day. In particular, the first conversations on these types of days were the hardest thing about the whole project.

With the anxiety that comes from starting conversations gone, having ones of greater value is what I started to care about most and what became my biggest challenge toward the end of the month.

What was the most interesting thing I observed?

One idea I was really curious about beforehand was that of micromomentum versus macromomentum. Micro being social momentum gained during an individual day or a series of days, and macro being the bigger picture and just an overall, real change in myself; a habit, essentially.

Micro was something I had observed to be very, very real before and it’s obvious to me now that macro is too. . .by the end of the month any remaining anxiety I had about talking to someone out of the blue or trying to think of the perfect thing to say was gone.

Did it make me more social?

I think so. I became a lot (a lot) quicker to pull the proverbial trigger in speaking to people around me, because the alternative to not acting fast usually meant, like I mentioned, having to go to a bar or wander around a retail store looking for someone to talk to at 10pm on a weeknight.

One of the biggest differences was in places where I knew I would probably see that person again, like at my gym. In the past, it had always been easy to not introduce myself to someone new because I knew I’d be seeing them plenty from then on out, but during the experiment it felt good to be that super-friendly and welcoming person. It made me think back to how good it felt when I was new and regular members would come introduce themselves and talk to me.

‘More social’ is of course relative and ultimately hard to quantify, but when the reaction time in starting conversations becomes shorter, things rarely get awkward and rapport is established much quicker with a greater percentage of people.

What was my strategy? What kind of things did I open with?

I didn’t tally the data on this, but it appears that the overwhelming majority of my ‘openers’ were just plain old introductions such as ‘Hi, I’m Andrew.’ These of course were mostly used in ‘familiar’ settings such as small parties, the gym, and the like. More often than not, that’s all it took to start at least a halfway-decent conversation.

Other favorite methods included observational openers. This means what it sounds like- just throwing out a comment to someone about something going on around us, about something they are wearing, and so on. I am a big fan of starting conversations this way simply because it gives the conversation a direction at the beginning that isn’t an ‘interview’ (e.g., where are you from, what do you do, blah blah) and is something both of you can relate to immediately since you are experiencing that moment together.

Situational starters were also used, as in just asking a question or making a (dumb) comment pertaining to the event we were both at (e.g., “Are you guys young and/or professionals?” at a networking event).

What was a downside of the project?

One thing I started to observe towards the end was that a few times I was expelling the chance of developing existing relationships further in lieu of pursuing a short, more ‘shallow’ exchange with someone I hadn’t met yet merely for the sake of the project.

But fortunately, most of the people that I made a good connection with I will see again.

What was surprising?

I am a big advocate of Meetup.com for expanding one’s social circle and in the past I have met some pretty cool people using it in all three states I have lived in.

Heading into this, I was certain that I would have to rely strongly on Meetup, but actually ended up never having to use it (granted the ones here rarely work with my weeknight schedule).

Also surprising was just how appallingly bad I am at remembering names. Something I will definitely be seeking out ways to improve upon.

Did you make any new friends?

This is more of a question for a few months down the line, as, more than anything else, friendships take time and consistent effort. However, I do feel that I had some quality conversations that could be the basis future friendships.

In particular, on the last night of the project I was coming home from swing dancing and came across one my neighbors who was smoking outside. I decided to sit down and talk with her while she was finishing her cigarette and we ended up chatting for an hour and a half.

I also exchanged numbers with a few other people and could see myself hanging out with them at some point.

When I became ‘un-shy’ or whatever one big concept I had to get through my head was that I couldn’t just become everyone’s best friend immediately (or ever). Friendships= chemistry + consistent interaction over time.

Would I recommend someone who wishes they were more social to try this challenge?

Mostly yes!

Overall, I think forcing yourself to talk to strangers is an expressway for developing yourself into a better person.

It’s one of the quickest ways to gain confidence in yourself, and makes you realize that you aren’t on the ‘outside looking in’ and that everyone else doesn’t posses some sort of ‘social secret’ that you aren’t being let in on. As I have learned recently, a lot of people, many who I never would have suspected, fear being in social situations where they don’t know anyone and feel that their social skills are lacking.

However, unless you are lucky enough to work from home and can sometimes get through days without ever leaving your own walls, I don’t know if going out and forcing conversation with random people in grocery stores is completely necessary to become better at socializing and expanding your social circle.

Again, cashiers are a gold mine for small-talk practice, and probably what got me to finally bust out of my shell a few years ago. They have to be nice to you, and if things are awkward you probably won’t ever see them again. And as a former employee in the service sector, I appreciated few things more than a customer that would break me out my mindless routine and treat me like an actual person.

The beauty about this project is that it can be scaled and modified to hit on whatever someone thinks their particular weaknesses might be. For instance, if I were to have done this in 2011, talking to just one random person a day would have been a major feat for me. If I had had the idea in college I probably would have made the qualifier be people in my classes.

Did you experience any other kind of benefits?

This has been written about for ages, but when you talk to everyone, your world just opens up. You discover and learn things about people, places, and yourself that no self-development blog, travel guide, or amount of introspection can ever teach you.

For example, a person I met at a party enlightened me about a local music blogger that hosts travelling bands (some reasonably big names, too) who will play a free show in exchange for a place to stay. These shows (at least the one I have gone to so far) are around 20-25 people and are easily one of the coolest secrets I have discovered in this city. Would I have ever found out about it if I didn’t consistently talk to whoever is around me? Highly unlikely.

I think it’s easy to assume in our digital-age that anything worth knowing can be found on the internet of our own accord, but other people hold secrets that can’t be discovered anywhere else.

Want to try 90 Strangers in 30 Days for yourself?

Using Social Momentum To Build Stronger Social Skills

Published at In Category Social Skills Leave a comment

“Success requires first expending ten units of effort to produce one unit of results. Your momentum will then produce ten units of results with each unit of effort.”

-Charles J. Givens, bestselling author

—

It’s no secret that I am a fan of using points and data to facilitate change in myself.

I first used an idea like this during senior year of college when I was finally starting to break out of my ‘shell’ and feel comfortable in settings where I didn’t know many people.

Most of this growth came while I was an intern with the Columbus Blue Jackets; it was my first time in an office environment and I was intensely intimidated by both the corporate setting and the people around me.

I became obsessed with coming off as professional and winning the approval of my bosses and the other full-time employees. I had such a strong filter on my words and actions that I was just a shadow of my real self, and still feel that only a few in the office got to know the real me.

Once, I even had a teary-eyed phone conversation with my brother out of pure frustration about how my lack of social skills in the office were going to cost me a good recommendation when I began to apply for full-time jobs.

I would berate myself with cynicisms like “how the hell do you expect to work in public relations if you can’t actually relate publicly to anyone?” over and over.

Thankfully, as I looked for ways to improve my social skills, I came across a simple game that helped me become much more proactive and comfortable in starting conversations.

When I was walking around the office and would pass someone in the hallway, the kitchen, the elevator, wherever; for every possible social situation where I avoided an interaction, I would subtract one from a running tally I kept in my head (that started at 0 at the beginning of the day). Every time I initiated an interaction- even if it was just saying ‘hi’- I would add one.

Eventually ‘hi’ turned into much more adventurous greetings such as “Hey [name], how’s it going?” and “What’s new and exciting?”

Sounds simple, but I don’t think I ever finished a day in the red, and it taught me the valuable lesson that a big part of being social is about momentum. Like playing a sport, warming up properly can make a big difference.

The more momentum I gained on a particular day, the less and less I had to think about what I would say, and the more I could feed off the energy of the previous interactions.

For the first time in my life I started to believe that I could be one of those super social guys that could start conversations wherever he went without skipping a beat.

As an introvert this exhausted me at first. But that in itself served as a clue that I was improving, for I was putting myself in unfamiliar situations where I was exercising ‘social muscles’ that had been seldom used before. I was growing.

The same principle can be applied to going out. If your first interactions that night are with the friends you meet up with at the bar, chances are it is going to take a little bit of time and effort before you find yourself on the same ‘level’ as them (unless you are an extrovert I suppose).

I try and ‘warm up’ for a night out by small-talking to cashiers on the way to wherever I am going, or I will call a friend or chatty family member when I am driving. The more I chat people up, the more my brain and my mouth become attached, and everything I say comes more naturally.

As I do the 90 Strangers experiment, it’s an unequivocal fact that the third conversation I start in a day comes much easier than the first and second ones. By then I am feeling good and ‘in the zone’ and ready to start conversations four, five, and six.

For these reasons, I always tried to avoid having job interviews early in the morning before I had a chance to talk several people. I also always tried to use the secretary as a ‘warm up’ while I was waiting around for the interviewer.

–

I know as much as anyone how much it sucks feeling ‘socially handicapped’. But the beautiful thing is that you have a world full of strangers to practice on with no consequences.

It’s like the biggest, most complex video game you’ve ever played; the difficulty is set to hard, but you’re in sandbox mode and can try anything you want.

Whether it’s becoming more social or creating any other change you would like to see in yourself, the trick is figuring out how to keep yourself motivated long enough to build momentum. Momentum over time=habit.

For me, I know that if I want change, I have to figure out how to make it a game.

What tricks have you used to change yourself?

90 Strangers in 30 Days: Introduction and Rules

Published at In Category Social Skills 1 Comment

ANDREW ELSASS

Project Rules

This post was from a 30-day social experiment I did as a way to try and improve my social skills. Also check out the project hub page, post-project recap, five biggest takeaways, frequently asked questions, the original reddit post, and the subsequent TEDx Talk.  

 

–

About four months ago, I moved to a new city.

While I have met a fair amount of people simply by pursuing the things I am interested in and through Meetup.com, I can’t help but wonder. . .what would happen to my social life if I made a deliberate and consistent effort to meet even more people?

Over the past few years, I’ve become borderline obsessed with how I can improve my social skills. On a couple of breakthrough nights out, I’ve been able to work myself up to what pick up artists call being ‘in state’, which is a feeling of complete independence from the outcomes of your interactions, as well as complete non-reactiveness to your environment (in the sense that you don’t let your surroundings determine your mood).

Basically, you feel bulletproof, are ‘in the zone’, and have complete control of every interaction you enter. Every comment thrown at you elicits an unconscious yet witty and fun comment back, and you are ‘just being’. It’s also one of the best highs I have ever experienced.

So in addition to just generally meeting more awesome people, I would like to see if I can reach this state more often, faster, and better overcome negative stimuli in both my environment and in my head. And finally, I want to blast away the remaining social anxiety I have, especially that which rears its ugly head when I stay in my comfort zone for days or weeks at a time and don’t force myself to talk anyone except those I am most comfortable around.

That’s why, for the next 30 days, I am going to go out every single day and initiate three interactions with people I don’t know.

While I have already become relatively decent at making cold small talk with random people that cross my path in everyday life, I am curious what would happen to both my ability in this regard and to my social life if I applied this skill set consistently, every single day, for an entire month.

—

The rules:

  1. I must go out every day in June 2013 and attempt to initiate three conversations with people I have never met. These people can be at bars, coffee shops, on the street, in the grocery, wherever.

  2. For an attempt to count, I must speak at least once after my initial greeting or ‘opener’ after the other person responds.

  3. Cashiers, bartenders or other ‘required’ interactions do not count.

  4. I cannot open a conversation simply by telling the person about the experiment.

  5. Every interaction must be logged.

  6. This project can’t impede with any of my regularly scheduled activities (writing, CrossFit, swing dancing, etc.)

And except for weekends and the occasional weeknight, I also aim to do the majority of this without the use of alcohol.

—

Changes I predict or hope to see in myself:

  1. Increased ability to initiate conversations even more effortlessly, without having to psyche myself up first. In fact, by Day 30 I expect this to be to an almost unconscious act.

  2. Be able to slip into ‘state’ even when I am tired or not ‘feeling it’. I am sure there will be many days where going out and talking to people is the very last thing I want to do.

  3. Make at least five friends who I would be comfortable enough texting on a whim to go and grab a drink.

  4. Grow even thicker skin regarding the opinions of others towards me.

  5. Vanquish the remaining threads of approach anxiety that I have.

  6. Become so comfortable around ‘strangers’ that I unwittingly make a few people uncomfortable.

  7. Decrease the number ‘fucks given’ when an interaction bombs.

  8. Get better at remembering names.

  9. Improve at moving conversations past the ‘trivial small talk’ stage into much more meaningful interactions, quicker.

What happens if I fail?

If I fail, $100 of mine will be donated to the American Crossroads (it was a toss-up between this and a few other ‘anti-charities’, including those on the other side of the aisle) through sticK.com, an amazing site that helps you reach your goals by creating incentive-driven commitment contracts. A good friend and co-worker will be serving as ‘referee’, and will be compiling my log into a spreadsheet, which I will share when all is said and done.

The worst-case scenario is I’m out $100 in exchange for a weird story to tell someday, but maybe I’ll even learn a thing or two about how and how not to make friends. The best-case scenario is that my social skills evolve beyond recognition and I meet a bunch of awesome people just by talking to whomever I happen to cross paths with that day.

Let’s begin!

Want to try 90 Strangers in 30 Days for yourself?