Author: andrewelsass

This is part four of four in a series for the ‘socially challenged’ called The Anatomy of a Conversation. It aims to shed light on what a ‘typical’ conversation with a stranger is like. Also check out the Introduction, Part Two: Opening, and Part Three: Threading.

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So the conversation is flowing and this new stranger is starting to feel like an old friend, but be it your turn at the cashier or you just need to be somewhere, it’s time to say goodbye. Or maybe you and your conversation partner aren’t vibing at all, and you’d like to hurriedly put the dead-end dialogue out of its misery.

Even good conversationalists sometimes get hung up on what to do at this point (guilty). Fortunately, there are several ways of making a dignified exit that avoid offending the other person.

Ending on a compliment and a call to action: When there is a slight lull or a clear subject change is about to happen, interject with appreciation for the other person and the conversation as a whole. Then, bring everything full-circle by offering to follow up about something that was talked about (if you intend to do so). If the conversation had a clear goal in mind (that was met), rehashing that is another great way to close.

Examples:

• “Hey it was great talking to you, but I have to head out…let’s touch base about that event soon.”
• “I’m glad we finally got to meet, John has spoken highly of you since you guys first met.”

Introducing someone else: Perfect for parties, introducing people to each other does more than just display ‘social proof’–it also presents the perfect opportunity to exit the interaction. Other people joining a circle of conversation is also a great time to slip away and will almost never be questioned.

Example:

• “Oh, have you met Ted? He just started homebrewing as well.” *introduce, wait for them to start chatting, step away*

Ideally, the person you are introducing is in close proximity to you–summoning someone from the opposite corner of the room just to walk away moments later could possibly raise your conversational partner’s eyebrow.

Change places: Also great for parties, outdoor festivals, and anywhere ‘stuff is going on’. The ‘invitation’ does not always need to be a formal one, either; stating you are going to change locations can often be enough of a prompt that the conversation needs to come to a close. And if the other person accepts the ‘invite’, that does not necessarily mean they are going to feel obligated to stick by your side and continue talking, especially in crowd settings.

Examples:

• “Alright, I’m going to the bar to get another drink, good talking to you.”
• “I’m going to see what’s going on upstairs, I’ll see you around.”

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Even if the other person is on a roll, there is no shame in simply saying “well, it was great talking to you but I have to go now.” Everyone has been on this end of a time-capped conversation, and offense is not going to be taken by the other party (if it is, that’s entirely their problem).

No matter the scenario, shaking hands or hugging goodbye (depending on your relationship with the person) allows both parties to gain ‘official’ closure. If it’s a business, friendship, or romantic prospect (and it hasn’t already been done), now is also the time to ask for contact info or a business card.

Following this final exchange, commit to what you said was going to happen and leave the area. Unless it is because other goodbyes are being extended, bidding adieu and then dawdling in the area can be seen as a rude and dishonest avoidance technique.

As with all of the other parts of conversations,  however, creativity is your friend, and as long as your actions are underlined with confidence, the realm of what is ‘socially acceptable’ is often a lot wider than you might think.

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Well, it’s been great writing this series, thanks for reading, and let’s do it again sometime.

This is part three of four in a series for the ‘socially challenged’ called The Anatomy of a Conversation. It aims to shed light on what a ‘typical’ conversation with a stranger is like. Also check out the Introduction, Part Two: Opening, and Part Four: Closing.

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So the typical “How are you?”s and other introductory statements are finished. Fueled by your new-found conversational energy and a natural inquisitiveness, you have successfully started chatting with  a stranger.

But unless there was a clearly defined purpose for the conversation (e.g., finding a place to eat), how can you decide where to take the dialogue next?

One concept I like to think about is called threading.

Depending on your own and the other person’s comfort level with each other, it could take two ‘exchanges’ to get to the meat of the conversation, or twenty.

However, this idea can start being utilized in conversation as early as the opener, and when listening to the other person speaking–and I mean actually listening and not being so worried about what you are going to say next–this will allow you to keep conversations rolling for a near-infinite amount of time.

Conversational threading is basically picking out a word or topic that the other person says, then relating to it through an anecdote, offering up an opinion or comment, or asking a pertinent question. See just how many conversational opportunities lie in one possible answer to a typical opening question:

[Upon asking someone where they are from:]

“I am originally from Nebraska, but I went to school at Louisville and have lived in Chicago ever since.”

If I wanted to talk more about the person’s childhood or college football (the latter being basically all I know about Nebraska), I would choose to go down the red “path”: “Where in Nebraska are you from? I spent some time in Lincoln for a football weekend and loved it.”

If I wanted to steer the conversation towards college experiences (as it’s a safe bet I’d be asked back at some point where I went to school), I’d choose blue here: “Louisville? I took two college visits there and loved the campus. Why did you end up going there?”

And if I wanted to talk about the Windy City and our favorite places there, I would go green and ask something along the lines of: “Where in Chicago do you live? My brother lived in the Wrigleyville/Lakeview area for several years.”

While many of these example responses are indeed questions, again, the key to a good conversation is a balance between questions, comments, and anecdotes. Too many questions and after a while the person will feel like they are being interrogated—although up until that point, which takes longer to reach than you would think, rapport is usually established if the questions are genuine and well-thought out. Like I said in Part 2, if you want a 99.9% guarantee that someone is going to give you more than a one word answer to a question, ask about themselves. 

The above would  be an extremely fortunate scenario for me, as I have been to all three places mentioned, but what about a less-obvious example of threading opportunities:

[Upon asking someone what they did over the weekend:]

“Oh, I went hiking on Saturday and then cleaned out my garage on Sunday.”

The obvious progression for purple would be to ask “Where did you go hiking?”; for orange, there is a number of directions the conversation could be taken in: “Find anything interesting you forgot about?”, “Are you planning a move/garage sale/making space for something?”, and so on. A certain element of creativity comes into play with all of this, and it gets exciting to see what kind of threads you can ‘spin’ the conversation into off of seemingly mundane subjects.

I recently read an article (that I can’t find again) that likened conversations in the United States to a game of ping-pong—and while everything is dependent on the personality types in the conversation (e.g., an introvert talking to an extrovert will probably do a smaller percentage of the talking than the latter), the best conversations (in my mind) typically have a structure like this:

A: Question

B: Answer, Question

A: Answer, Anecdote

B: Opinion, Question

A: Opinion

And so on.

Without saying, this is one of the major benefits of being a consistent learner–be it through books, newspapers, Twitter, whatever–the more you learn, the more possible conversation threads are going to present themselves to you. Going out and collecting more life experiences inevitably gives you that much more to talk about as well.

And perhaps counter-intuitively, becoming a great conversationalist is more about becoming a skillful listener than an artful orator. Paying attention to the details in the other person’s body language, emotions, and words offers up infinite opportunity to talk for just about ever.

‘Hanging on to every word’ is more than just an idiom–it’s also extremely practical life advice.

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So the conversation is flowing, but now it’s time to part ways with your new friend–check back next week for the final segment, Part 4: Closing.

 

This is part two of four in a series for the ‘socially challenged’ called The Anatomy of a Conversation. It aims to shed light on what a ‘typical’ conversation with a stranger is like. Also check out the Introduction, Part Three: Threading, and Part Four: Closing.

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If you have ever struggled with starting conversations, you can likely relate to the following:

1. You are near a cute guy or girl, someone influential in your office you’d like to connect with, or are otherwise in a situation where it could be awkward if nobody talks (e.g., an elevator).

2. You get the gist that the other person isn’t going to make the first move, so you open your mouth to say something, and. . .you freeze.

3. All you can think to yourself is, “. . .what the hell should I say?” 

4. While you are struggling to find the perfect opening words, the person walks away, and the opportunity is lost.

5. Feelings of guilt and shame follow–you’re convinced they now think you’re awkward and unsociable.

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For me, the secret to becoming more socially successful was getting that word ‘should’ out of my head and realizing that there was no ‘supposed to’ in social situations.

Trying to figure out the ‘right’ thing to say was paralyzing to me for a long time. I admired people who could go up to anyone and say anything–I was convinced they had some sort of social secret they weren’t letting me in on or were born with a gene that I didn’t possess.

While one could argue that each of these scenarios has a set of ‘social norms’ that are and aren’t acceptable, I believe the scope of acceptability is much broader than most people think. I would also argue that, within reason, pushing the boundaries of these norms is often more beneficial than detrimental.

Thankfully, at some point I learned that much more important than the first sentence or question that came out of my mouth was the energy and intent behind it.

I discovered that when I committed to starting a conversation and had a friendly, open, and unhesitating disposition, the other person would almost always reciprocate in the conversation, regardless of what I said (within reason). And if they didn’t, it was never worth beating myself up over–for all I knew, they could be going through a breakup, didn’t feel like talking, or might simply be caught off guard:

Think about how many times you’ve been standing in line at the store (or wherever) and someone has tried to start a conversation with you. You didn’t necessarily mind, but because it was unexpected and you were deep in thought, you were unable to catch your mental ‘balance’ or think of anything to say. It’s not that you were annoyed with that person, you were just unable to think of a reply besides ‘yeah’. You may even have kicked yourself for not having anything to say back. It happens to everyone.

Be that person that sometimes catches others off guard.

Starting good conversations is almost entirely contextual–there is no real one-size-fits-all conversation opener. Learning what is effective when simply comes with practice, but once you learn to get out of your head and observe the world around you, the possibilities are infinite.

A t-shirt with the name of a city is an invite to inquire if that’s where they’re from; a pair of unique sneakers the perfect opportunity to ask where they were purchased; an uncommon piece of produce a chance to ask what they do with it in the kitchen.

And if nothing observable interests me, another thing that I like to do is simply refer back to what day of the week it is:

Monday: What did you do this weekend?

Tuesday: What’s your week like?

Wednesday: What have you had going on this week?

Thursday: Ready for the weekend? Big plans?

Friday: What are you getting into this weekend?

Saturday: What have you been up to this weekend?

Sunday: What did you do this weekend?

Notice that all of these require an actual answer—none of them are yes/no questions. While ‘How are you’ is always a nice preface to any conversation, it has become social conditioning in our society to answer this with merely “Good” and nothing else, regardless of how the person is feeling. ‘How are you?’ is akin to ringing a conversational doorbell with someone, and then being invited ‘in’ once they reply. 99% of the time that invite will come.

There is a fine line between being creepy and just being a naturally inquisitive person (again, most of this has to do with the energy and inner confidence you are projecting). You never want to seem like you are interviewing someone, but never forget that everyone’s favorite subject is themselves.

To quote Dale Carnegie:

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

Other than learning to observe the world around you and to keep in mind that it’s all contextual, I am not going to get into any more specific openers in lieu of this post turning into 5,000 words. For some ideas of what I used in different scenarios to successfully complete the 90 Strangers in 30 Days project, check out the accompanying spreadsheet in this post. A quick search also yields countless helpful resources elsewhere online.

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After some consistent practice, starting conversations becomes effortless the less you think and more you just live in the moment (I realize the irony of saying this in an overly-analytical post about something most probably never think about).

Many conversations (but certainly not all) are hollow–a way to past the time or serve the purpose of discovering if there is a connection between you and the other person. Get it out of your head that every conversation should feel like one with an old friend. They won’t, and the truth is more of the population than you would think is uncomfortable with starting conversations.

Essentially, other people are waiting for you to talk first. And it doesn’t matter so much what you say, but how you say it.

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So you’ve successfully started a conversation. . .now what? Check back next week for Part 3: Threading.