Social Skills

“Success requires first expending ten units of effort to produce one unit of results. Your momentum will then produce ten units of results with each unit of effort.”

-Charles J. Givens, bestselling author

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It’s no secret that I am a fan of using points and data to facilitate change in myself.

I first used an idea like this during senior year of college when I was finally starting to break out of my ‘shell’ and feel comfortable in settings where I didn’t know many people.

Most of this growth came while I was an intern with the Columbus Blue Jackets; it was my first time in an office environment and I was intensely intimidated by both the corporate setting and the people around me.

I became obsessed with coming off as professional and winning the approval of my bosses and the other full-time employees. I had such a strong filter on my words and actions that I was just a shadow of my real self, and still feel that only a few in the office got to know the real me.

Once, I even had a teary-eyed phone conversation with my brother out of pure frustration about how my lack of social skills in the office were going to cost me a good recommendation when I began to apply for full-time jobs.

I would berate myself with cynicisms like “how the hell do you expect to work in public relations if you can’t actually relate publicly to anyone?” over and over.

Thankfully, as I looked for ways to improve my social skills, I came across a simple game that helped me become much more proactive and comfortable in starting conversations.

When I was walking around the office and would pass someone in the hallway, the kitchen, the elevator, wherever; for every possible social situation where I avoided an interaction, I would subtract one from a running tally I kept in my head (that started at 0 at the beginning of the day). Every time I initiated an interaction- even if it was just saying ‘hi’- I would add one.

Eventually ‘hi’ turned into much more adventurous greetings such as “Hey [name], how’s it going?” and “What’s new and exciting?”

Sounds simple, but I don’t think I ever finished a day in the red, and it taught me the valuable lesson that a big part of being social is about momentum. Like playing a sport, warming up properly can make a big difference.

The more momentum I gained on a particular day, the less and less I had to think about what I would say, and the more I could feed off the energy of the previous interactions.

For the first time in my life I started to believe that I could be one of those super social guys that could start conversations wherever he went without skipping a beat.

As an introvert this exhausted me at first. But that in itself served as a clue that I was improving, for I was putting myself in unfamiliar situations where I was exercising ‘social muscles’ that had been seldom used before. I was growing.

The same principle can be applied to going out. If your first interactions that night are with the friends you meet up with at the bar, chances are it is going to take a little bit of time and effort before you find yourself on the same ‘level’ as them (unless you are an extrovert I suppose).

I try and ‘warm up’ for a night out by small-talking to cashiers on the way to wherever I am going, or I will call a friend or chatty family member when I am driving. The more I chat people up, the more my brain and my mouth become attached, and everything I say comes more naturally.

As I do the 90 Strangers experiment, it’s an unequivocal fact that the third conversation I start in a day comes much easier than the first and second ones. By then I am feeling good and ‘in the zone’ and ready to start conversations four, five, and six.

For these reasons, I always tried to avoid having job interviews early in the morning before I had a chance to talk several people. I also always tried to use the secretary as a ‘warm up’ while I was waiting around for the interviewer.

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I know as much as anyone how much it sucks feeling ‘socially handicapped’. But the beautiful thing is that you have a world full of strangers to practice on with no consequences.

It’s like the biggest, most complex video game you’ve ever played; the difficulty is set to hard, but you’re in sandbox mode and can try anything you want.

Whether it’s becoming more social or creating any other change you would like to see in yourself, the trick is figuring out how to keep yourself motivated long enough to build momentum. Momentum over time=habit.

For me, I know that if I want change, I have to figure out how to make it a game.

What tricks have you used to change yourself?

That zit on your nose. The small spot on the back of your shirt. That awkward laugh you made right as the room got quiet. And all the other things everyone silently judges you for. Or so you think.

It’s a human inclination to think the world revolves around you. This is egocentrism, and it is the result of a bias of the mind, something we are born into. The inability to see from another’s point of view somewhat diminishes with age (in varying degree by person), but takes a considerable amount of effort and mental awareness to discard completely.

Psychologists call this the ‘spotlight effect’; the idea that everyone in a social setting is watching, analyzing, and critiquing your every move and everything else about you.

People only know what they have learned from their own experiences and through their point of view. Discussing and reading other’s accounts of a situation can give a better idea, but it is impossible (or at least incredibly difficult) to truly put oneself in someone else’s shoes.

Even in our age of extreme egocentrism and vanity (i.e., social media) the reality is that no one really cares about you.

While this might sounds harsh at first, it is an incredibly freeing realization to learn that no one is judging you because they are too busy worrying about you judging them.

The fact is they are bothered about the stain on their shirt, and with worrying if people will perceive the pictures they just posted on Facebook as a wild party or a lame one.

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A study in 2000 demonstrated this idea perfectly.

College student participants were sent candidly into a room full of their peers while wearing a Barry Manilow shirt. While the participants were convinced that the entire room would notice the monstrosity they were sporting, less than 50% of the peer group could recall the shirt when asked in a post-study interview.

So fret not if you get behind on your laundry and have to wear that shirt from the back of your closet out to the store…chances are no one is going to notice, anyway.

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When I was about 11, my parents took me to see The Truman Show. In it, Jim Carrey’s character is unknowingly cast into a reality TV show when he is an infant. His every move is watched by a worldwide audience on his own dedicated channel, 24/7, 365.

Seeing this film as an (extremely) late bloomer who had not yet come even close to developing the ability to consider others’ perspectives, it screwed me up. Big time.

As I had not yet dispelled the idea that everyone was obsessed with my every move, my brain now had to consider both the possibility that this scheme was not only true, but to an extreme extent.

I even entertained the notion that the directors of ‘my show’ made me watch The Truman Show in order to plant the idea that my life could also be a reality show, and to see if I would make attempts to figure everything out. Nevermind that I lived in a landlocked state in the middle of the country (the film takes place on a man-made island inside a giant production studio so that Truman could be contained geographically).

This went on for an embarrassingly long time (again, beyond a late bloomer). I am not really sure what finally snapped me out of it,  but it was an extremely liberating feeling.

(Unless I am actually on a TV show, in which case my viewers are dying from irony-induced laughter as I write this).

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Once the mind is free from this pattern of thinking, it allows you to focus on much more productive things, like the world around you, knowing your true self, and creating great work.

So shed the spotlight, and see the light.

And don’t let your kids watch The Truman Show until they are 25.

I used to be a prophet.

Not in the religious sense of course, but in that I once gave myself a self-fulfilling prophecy that I followed dutifully for many, many years.

Like many young children, I was shy. No big deal, many kids go through this phase.

The problem began when I would repeatedly tell myself that I was shy. . .year after year after year. It had become an excuse to not push myself socially.

I made plenty of friends, but it was always a slow process- I wanted more than anything to be like the kids that could walk into a room full of strangers and leave a few hours later with five new best friends.

Through self-improvement materials and consistent effort, I slowly got ‘better’ by the time I graduated college. I could feign myself as a social butterfly for several hours but anything beyond that and I would feel like I was reverting back to my ‘old self’. Then would come frustration and bitter internal dialogue:

“You’re not really over your shyness; you haven’t changed at all; you’re just slightly better at faking it and tricking people; you’re lying to yourself.”

My whole life, I thought that being shy and being introverted were interchangeable; synonyms of one another.

Then on a whim one day, I took the Myers-Briggs Personality Test (MBPT). And while I had my reservations, I couldn’t help be a little inspired by the result I received.

According to the assessment, I am an INTP (Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving), a person that:

. . .prizes autonomy in themselves and others [and] generally balk at attempts by others to convince them to change.

. . .tends to be impatient with the bureaucracy, rigid hierarchies, and the politics prevalent in many professions.

. . .has the ability to grasp complexity but which may also lead them to provide overly detailed explanations of simple ideas, and listeners may judge that the INTP makes things more difficult than they need to be.

. . .may prefer working alone to leading or following in a group

. . .is focused on gathering information, and may seem oblivious, aloof, or even rebellious—when in fact he or she is concentrating on listening and understanding.

. . .may defuse tension through comical observations and references. They can be charming, even in their quiet reserve, and are sometimes surprised by the high esteem in which their friends and colleagues hold them.

. . .experiences emotions as an important part of their internal lives, and sometimes share their emotions with others, INTPs nevertheless believe that emotions must not play a role in logical discussions, or be expressed in a way that would put themselves at disadvantage.

Jesus. Every time I read it I am still a little taken aback- and if you have ever known me for any period of time (or read anything I’ve ever written) it’s probably not difficult to see why.

While I am extremely wary of the phenomenon that happens with cold reading and horoscopes, where the brain warps a general yet relevant-enough statement about yourself to seem true, this nailed the unabridged me in writing better than I could have done myself.

(I recognize that believing what was written about me in a personality test could just be another self-fulfilling prophecy, but at least it’s a much more positive one and that there is some kind of scientific reasoning behind it).

Seeing everything spelled out so clearly has made me much more prideful of who I am, and definitely has shed light on some of the things I do and feel. However, I am also careful to not let the test put me in a box and live my life only by what is in my MBPT description.

The key difference between introversion and shyness that I never wrapped my head around was that while introverts don’t necessarily mind interacting with others, after a while it drains on them and they then require time alone in order to collect their thoughts and ‘recharge’.

Shys, on the other hand, have anxiety from fear of social judgement through interacting with people, though they may not necessarily want to be alone. They fear that their every action is being judged, their every move being watched. Looking back, there was definitely a time in my life (and I am sure the lives of many, many others) where I fell into this pattern of thinking.

Extroverts gain stimulation from their surrounding environment- the more going on the better. Introverts gain stimulation from their own thoughts, be it they are by themselves or in deep conversation with one or two other people in a controlled and calm environment.

Of course overlap exists, and no one’s ‘setting’ is permanently locked on introvert or extrovert- every day is different and people typically fall somewhere in between.

I had a roommate in college that was extroverted nearly 24/7- he could never just sit and relax, he always had to have something going on. He even commented to me several times that he can’t stand driving alone, which is time that I cherish and look forward to after a long day.

Unfortunately, we live in an extrovert’s world, and even though nearly half of the population is introverted, you would never know it, as we a live in a society dominated by constant, flashy, grandiose stimulation- an extrovert’s natural habitat. Loud things get more attention than quiet things, it’s as simple as that.
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I now take pride in openly saying that I need ‘me’ time. When I am hanging out with people for a long period of time, and end up getting a little quiet in the middle of the day, people are surprisingly receptive- and able to relate- to just needing a little bit of time in my head.

This is of course better than the alternative of trying to desperately force energy-less (and often awkward) interactions.

The icing on the learning cake for me was this fantastic (and maybe my all-time favorite) TED talk from Susan Cain:

Beware of those who claim to have the truth (and especially those that claim to be a prophet), but if you ever feel in doubt of who you are, I encourage you to try out the MBPT.