Social Skills

Anatomy of a Conversation Part 2: Opening

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This is part two of four in a series for the ‘socially challenged’ called The Anatomy of a Conversation. It aims to shed light on what a ‘typical’ conversation with a stranger is like. Also check out the Introduction, Part Three: Threading, and Part Four: Closing.

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If you have ever struggled with starting conversations, you can likely relate to the following:

1. You are near a cute guy or girl, someone influential in your office you’d like to connect with, or are otherwise in a situation where it could be awkward if nobody talks (e.g., an elevator).

2. You get the gist that the other person isn’t going to make the first move, so you open your mouth to say something, and. . .you freeze.

3. All you can think to yourself is, “. . .what the hell should I say?” 

4. While you are struggling to find the perfect opening words, the person walks away, and the opportunity is lost.

5. Feelings of guilt and shame follow–you’re convinced they now think you’re awkward and unsociable.

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For me, the secret to becoming more socially successful was getting that word ‘should’ out of my head and realizing that there was no ‘supposed to’ in social situations.

Trying to figure out the ‘right’ thing to say was paralyzing to me for a long time. I admired people who could go up to anyone and say anything–I was convinced they had some sort of social secret they weren’t letting me in on or were born with a gene that I didn’t possess.

While one could argue that each of these scenarios has a set of ‘social norms’ that are and aren’t acceptable, I believe the scope of acceptability is much broader than most people think. I would also argue that, within reason, pushing the boundaries of these norms is often more beneficial than detrimental.

Thankfully, at some point I learned that much more important than the first sentence or question that came out of my mouth was the energy and intent behind it.

I discovered that when I committed to starting a conversation and had a friendly, open, and unhesitating disposition, the other person would almost always reciprocate in the conversation, regardless of what I said (within reason). And if they didn’t, it was never worth beating myself up over–for all I knew, they could be going through a breakup, didn’t feel like talking, or might simply be caught off guard:

Think about how many times you’ve been standing in line at the store (or wherever) and someone has tried to start a conversation with you. You didn’t necessarily mind, but because it was unexpected and you were deep in thought, you were unable to catch your mental ‘balance’ or think of anything to say. It’s not that you were annoyed with that person, you were just unable to think of a reply besides ‘yeah’. You may even have kicked yourself for not having anything to say back. It happens to everyone.

Be that person that sometimes catches others off guard.

Starting good conversations is almost entirely contextual–there is no real one-size-fits-all conversation opener. Learning what is effective when simply comes with practice, but once you learn to get out of your head and observe the world around you, the possibilities are infinite.

A t-shirt with the name of a city is an invite to inquire if that’s where they’re from; a pair of unique sneakers the perfect opportunity to ask where they were purchased; an uncommon piece of produce a chance to ask what they do with it in the kitchen.

And if nothing observable interests me, another thing that I like to do is simply refer back to what day of the week it is:

Monday: What did you do this weekend?

Tuesday: What’s your week like?

Wednesday: What have you had going on this week?

Thursday: Ready for the weekend? Big plans?

Friday: What are you getting into this weekend?

Saturday: What have you been up to this weekend?

Sunday: What did you do this weekend?

Notice that all of these require an actual answer—none of them are yes/no questions. While ‘How are you’ is always a nice preface to any conversation, it has become social conditioning in our society to answer this with merely “Good” and nothing else, regardless of how the person is feeling. ‘How are you?’ is akin to ringing a conversational doorbell with someone, and then being invited ‘in’ once they reply. 99% of the time that invite will come.

There is a fine line between being creepy and just being a naturally inquisitive person (again, most of this has to do with the energy and inner confidence you are projecting). You never want to seem like you are interviewing someone, but never forget that everyone’s favorite subject is themselves.

To quote Dale Carnegie:

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

Other than learning to observe the world around you and to keep in mind that it’s all contextual, I am not going to get into any more specific openers in lieu of this post turning into 5,000 words. For some ideas of what I used in different scenarios to successfully complete the 90 Strangers in 30 Days project, check out the accompanying spreadsheet in this post. A quick search also yields countless helpful resources elsewhere online.

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After some consistent practice, starting conversations becomes effortless the less you think and more you just live in the moment (I realize the irony of saying this in an overly-analytical post about something most probably never think about).

Many conversations (but certainly not all) are hollow–a way to past the time or serve the purpose of discovering if there is a connection between you and the other person. Get it out of your head that every conversation should feel like one with an old friend. They won’t, and the truth is more of the population than you would think is uncomfortable with starting conversations.

Essentially, other people are waiting for you to talk first. And it doesn’t matter so much what you say, but how you say it.

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So you’ve successfully started a conversation. . .now what? Check back next week for Part 3: Threading.

Anatomy of a Conversation Part 1

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This is part three of four in a series for the ‘socially challenged’ called The Anatomy of a Conversation. It aims to shed light on what a ‘typical’ conversation with a stranger is like. Also check out Part Two: Opening, Part Three: Threading, and Part Four: Closing.

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Person A: “Who was that you were just talking to?”

Person B: “Dunno, just met them.”

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Exchanges like this used to be extremely common in my life. 99.9% of the time I was person A, completely perplexed as to how a friend or family member could converse with random strangers like they were old acquaintances.

It’s already well-documented that I struggled with shyness growing up. I had no idea how to talk to people that I hadn’t been around for a significant period of time.

And while I wanted more than anything to be that person that could start conversations with anyone, anywhere, and at anytime, I had a major mental block: “What the hell do I talk about?”

Some of this stemmed from the limiting belief that I was a boring person with nothing to offer and just generally not finding the world to be an interesting place, but that is another post for another day.

Thankfully, after obsessively consuming material on the subject, becoming much more observant of the world around me, and just generally pushing myself to get better at the skill, I now often find myself as person B in conversations like the above.

While ultimately this obstacle could only be overcome by myself, I wish long ago that someone had explained to me what most conversations consisted of, what a ‘normal’ one was like, and how to start, carry, and finish them.

Although it’s not necessarily something I think about in the moment, once I started reflecting on what went well and what went poorly in my interactions, in my head I was able to break down the majority of conversations I was having into three sizable chunks:

Conversation=  Opening–> Exchange of Questions, Comments, Opinions, and Anecdotes (aka Threading)–> Closing

Attempting to simplify conversations is not necessarily a new idea by any means. It’s also fairly possible that had I been paying attention, one of my college Communication (my major) classes may have covered it.

But through the lens of someone that once felt like he was ‘on the outside’ and completely clueless as to what exactly went on in dialogues with unfamiliar people, over the next few posts I am going to break down what I consider to be the Anatomy of a Conversation.

I hope that my ‘rags to riches’ story with this skillset can offer a bit of a different (and less academic) viewpoint on the subject. It is my goal to ensure those that are struggling that there isn’t some sort of social secret or gene that they don’t possess, and that this is something that really can be learned by anyone.

Check back next week for the part two in this mini-series.

Agree and amplify

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We’ve all been insulted.

Whether it was good-natured or had intent to harm, dealing with verbal disrespect incorrectly can make us look insecure, high-strung, and ungrounded.

The best way I’ve come across to deal with these situations, be it a malicious slam or gentle ribbing from a friend, is to agree and amplify:

First, agree with whatever false claim the other person is putting on you.

The majority of people in this situation are going to go with their first instinct and begin defending themselves. This sub-communicates a fragile ego and that high value is placed in the other person’s opinion.

Just accepting what the other person is saying- because it ultimately means nothing- throws the insulter off hard and disarms them. If their words were meant to create discomfort, agreeing gives a completely unexpected result and neutralizes any social status they might have perceived to have over you.

Second, amplify. Take whatever their claim was, and then exaggerate it to absurd levels. This throws it back in their face and makes the whole conversation seem ridiculous. It’s also a lot of fun.

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Some examples:

Them: Do you always sit around and watch TV all day like this?

Me: Nah, usually I go a week at a time. Can you go grab my bedpan?

Them: You’re strange.

Me: The strangest. I actually won Strangest in Show at the county fair once.

Them: You have big ears.

Me: I know, I am a great listener.

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Not the best examples, but do you see what I am getting at? With a little snark or playful sarcasm thrown in, the effect is paralyzing.

The offender’s conditioning has them expecting the comment to be ignored before ever being agreed upon. While maybe not bad advice for grade-schoolers, I think we all can agree that silence in response to an insult can often come off as weakness.

That last one is also a marketing tactic that many companies employ- featuring their own flaw. Consider Listerine’s biting, stinging sensation that most despise. Their advertising firm knew there was no sense in ignoring this, so the brand’s slogan for a while was “The taste you love to hate (twice a day).”

Again, this strategy is also applicable if it was just harmless teasing from a friend, and can add even more humor to a lighthearted situation.

When you accept your own flaws, they can’t ever be used against you, and it’s an extremely liberating feeling knowing that you have nothing to hide.

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What’s your favorite way to diffuse an insult?

90 Strangers in 30 Days: Five Big Takeaways

Published at In Category Social Skills 2 Comments

ANDREW ELSASS

Five Big Takeaways From 90 Strangers in 30 Days

This post was from a 30-day social experiment I did as a way to try and improve my social skills. Also check out the project hub page, post-project recap, five biggest takeaways, frequently asked questions, the original reddit post, and the subsequent TEDx Talk.  

What have we learned, Charlie Brown?

1. Pursue Your Passions

One thing massively reinforced was the value of pursuing the things I am most interested in. As you can see on the data sheet, the overwhelming majority of the people I met came simply through doing what I enjoy, be it fitness classes, swing dancing, or hanging out in coffee shops. Not surprisingly, of all the people I met, the ones I vibed with best were those that I had a mutual interest with from the beginning.

Many in my generation seem to be under the impression that friends will just apparate like they did in grade school and college. Sorry, but it’s a different ballgame now. I may be a broken record at this point, but building friendships takes consistent effort. It takes work. But that work can be made easier by going out and doing whatever it is you love most, or going out and trying a new hobby. I imagine volunteering and religious groups are also great ways to meet like-minded people.

If not for group fitness classes, this project probably would have been extremely difficult.

2. Hot and Un-bothered

One limiting belief I used to have towards starting conversations in public was that I would be bothering people. Sure, there are times when this could be the case, but it is quickly learned when someone is genuinely busy and probably not in the mood to chit-chat versus someone that is aimlessly killing time on their phone.

How I came to think about it is this–if I were in that person’s situation, and someone cheerful and open started talking to me, would I be annoyed, or not mind at all?

I didn’t keep any kind of data on this, but 99% of the people I talked to were extremely polite back–people in general are nicer than we give them credit for. And the two or three people (out of 118) that ignored me or just said ‘Yeah’ and walked away? Chances are they weren’t worth my time trying to get to know them anyway, they themselves weren’t very confident people, or who knows, maybe they were having the worst day of their life. Or maybe they just didn’t have anything to say. No harm, no foul.

The amount of people that were even remotely ‘weirded out’ by me I could probably count on one hand, and although I can come on strong (perhaps overcompensating slightly from my shy days) this happened even less than I would have predicted.

3. Quick on the Draw

Also reinforced, but still extremely important, turned out to be the power of not hesitating when starting conversations. No matter how anti-social, socially awkward, whatever, someone paints themselves to be, they will never come off that way if they start a conversation- or even just acknowledge someone within the first three seconds that they are near them. This is a sign of assertiveness and confidence.

Waiting not only rifles every excuse a person can think of not to say anything through their head, it also aggrandizes those beliefs that they aren’t a confident person, are socially awkward, and all the other nonsense we tell ourselves.

The trick is acting so fast that the mind doesn’t have time to tell the body all the reasons it shouldn’t be doing this.

4. The Lonely Socialites

The biggest surprise to me was not anything that I learned through any of the interactions, but instead from my existing friends. Coincidentally through conversation with a few of my peers–not even always about the experiment–I learned that an extremely high percentage of them wished they were more social.

 

A few old friends also texted or messaged me out of the blue saying that they could completely relate to my message and what I was trying to do.

 

Not only does this make a beginning blogger feel amazing, it actually gave me a few startup business ideas, if not just a concept for another book. It was a refreshing feeling to discover that becoming more social and personable was not something that only I was interested in, but was a struggle many people, especially in my age group, can relate to.

 

Most of these people, to me, seem like very socially-active individuals, too- they just wait for someone else to make the first move. Be that someone else.

5. Everyone and Their Brother 

Ultimately, the most important thing, again, is to talk to everyone. I can’t state the importance of this enough.

 

Talking to everyone will make you happier, make you smarter, make you more confident, get you more friends, get you more dates, get you a better job, and make you see that the people of this world are inherently good.

 

And because really, it only takes one person to change your life.

Want to try 90 Strangers in 30 Days for yourself?

90 Strangers in 30 Days: Project Recap and FAQ

Published at In Category Social Skills 4 Comments

ANDREW ELSASS

Project Data and Review

This post was from a 30-day social experiment I did as a way to try and improve my social skills. Also check out the project hub page, post-project recap, five biggest takeaways, frequently asked questions, the original reddit post, and the subsequent TEDx Talk.  

Like a blur, June came and went, and at the end of the month I had chatted with (or attempted to) 118 strangers.

View the final data sheet (PDF).

 (Yes, there are one or two on there that probably didn’t meet the criteria of my initial rules; in particular, an instance where I was straight up ignored by someone in Target. I thought it was important to include simply because that can and will happen on occasion, and I found it hilarious)

 

And in lieu of spending way too many hours in MS Paint, I decided to nix the visual map.  I think the numbers below paint a good enough picture.

Data Breakdown

By age:

Teens: 6 (5%)
20s: 63 (53%)
30s: 24 (20%)
40s: 13 (11%)
50s: 10 (8%)
60s: 2 (2%)

By gender:

F: 75 (64%)
M: 43 (36%)

By demographic:

FTeens: 6 (5%)
F20s: 41 (35%)
F30s: 14 (12%)
F40s: 9 (8%)
F50s: 3 (3%)
F60s: 2 (2%)
M20s: 22 (19%)
M30s: 10 (8%)
M40s: 4 (3%)
M50s: 7 (6%)

By location:

Airport: 2 (2%)
Apartment Complex: 5 (4%)
Bar: 17 (14%)
Baseball Game: 1 (<1%)
Coffee Shop: 4 (3%)
Concert: 4 (3%)
Conference: 2 (2%)
CrossFit: 15 (13%)
Grocery: 5 (4%)
Library: 1 (<1%)
Liquor Store: 1 (<1%)
Mall: 5 (4%)
Networking Event: 8 (7%)
Pageant Judging: 3 (3%)
Party: 10 (8%)
Plane: 3 (3%)
Restaurant: 8 (7%)
Retail Store: 3 (3%)
Swing Dancing: 10 (8%)
Toastmasters: 2 (2%)
Work Trip: 9 (8%)

Did we exchange names?

Yes: 78 (66%)
No: 40 (34%)


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The most surprising thing about this challenge was how hard it wasn’t–I didn’t really need to change my daily habits that much to put myself in the way of strangers to talk to.

When I was thinking up the experiment, I had envisioned having to run out to bars on weeknights to talk to whoever was around out of desperation to meet my quota. This rarely happened and made me realize just how many opportunities throughout the course of a ‘normal’ day there are to meet new people.

That said, there were still nights that the project felt like the bane of my existence and when I just wanted to stay home and do anything besides forcing conversation with random strangers. However, this apathy often put me in a carefree state, which lead to some fun and interesting conversations.

Not seen on the data sheet is all of the quality conversations I also had with people that technically didn’t ‘count’ by my rules, such as waitresses, bartenders, and hotel staff.

And while “talk to everyone” is a creed I have tried to live by for a while now, my thought process and observations about it were completely different since I was now doing it with a more experimental and monitored mindset.

 

More FAQs/In Review

Was it hard at all?

As in just doing the act of talking to three strangers a day? No. Not really. Harder for me was not relying on the same lazy opening dialogue with every single person, trying to meet people in a variety of places, and trying to have genuine conversations, and not just short, meaningless exchanges for the sole purpose of checking off one of my boxes for the day.

The hardest days were when it got to be 8PM and I still needed to talk to two or three people. Again, this still happened way less than I had anticipated and just goes to show how many opportunities there are to meet new people throughout the day. In particular, the first conversations on these types of days were the hardest thing about the whole project.

With the anxiety that comes from starting conversations gone, having ones of greater value is what I started to care about most and what became my biggest challenge toward the end of the month.

What was the most interesting thing I observed?

One idea I was really curious about beforehand was that of micromomentum versus macromomentum. Micro being social momentum gained during an individual day or a series of days, and macro being the bigger picture and just an overall, real change in myself; a habit, essentially.

Micro was something I had observed to be very, very real before and it’s obvious to me now that macro is too. . .by the end of the month any remaining anxiety I had about talking to someone out of the blue or trying to think of the perfect thing to say was gone.

Did it make me more social?

I think so. I became a lot (a lot) quicker to pull the proverbial trigger in speaking to people around me, because the alternative to not acting fast usually meant, like I mentioned, having to go to a bar or wander around a retail store looking for someone to talk to at 10pm on a weeknight.

One of the biggest differences was in places where I knew I would probably see that person again, like at my gym. In the past, it had always been easy to not introduce myself to someone new because I knew I’d be seeing them plenty from then on out, but during the experiment it felt good to be that super-friendly and welcoming person. It made me think back to how good it felt when I was new and regular members would come introduce themselves and talk to me.

‘More social’ is of course relative and ultimately hard to quantify, but when the reaction time in starting conversations becomes shorter, things rarely get awkward and rapport is established much quicker with a greater percentage of people.

What was my strategy? What kind of things did I open with?

I didn’t tally the data on this, but it appears that the overwhelming majority of my ‘openers’ were just plain old introductions such as ‘Hi, I’m Andrew.’ These of course were mostly used in ‘familiar’ settings such as small parties, the gym, and the like. More often than not, that’s all it took to start at least a halfway-decent conversation.

Other favorite methods included observational openers. This means what it sounds like- just throwing out a comment to someone about something going on around us, about something they are wearing, and so on. I am a big fan of starting conversations this way simply because it gives the conversation a direction at the beginning that isn’t an ‘interview’ (e.g., where are you from, what do you do, blah blah) and is something both of you can relate to immediately since you are experiencing that moment together.

Situational starters were also used, as in just asking a question or making a (dumb) comment pertaining to the event we were both at (e.g., “Are you guys young and/or professionals?” at a networking event).

What was a downside of the project?

One thing I started to observe towards the end was that a few times I was expelling the chance of developing existing relationships further in lieu of pursuing a short, more ‘shallow’ exchange with someone I hadn’t met yet merely for the sake of the project.

But fortunately, most of the people that I made a good connection with I will see again.

What was surprising?

I am a big advocate of Meetup.com for expanding one’s social circle and in the past I have met some pretty cool people using it in all three states I have lived in.

Heading into this, I was certain that I would have to rely strongly on Meetup, but actually ended up never having to use it (granted the ones here rarely work with my weeknight schedule).

Also surprising was just how appallingly bad I am at remembering names. Something I will definitely be seeking out ways to improve upon.

Did you make any new friends?

This is more of a question for a few months down the line, as, more than anything else, friendships take time and consistent effort. However, I do feel that I had some quality conversations that could be the basis future friendships.

In particular, on the last night of the project I was coming home from swing dancing and came across one my neighbors who was smoking outside. I decided to sit down and talk with her while she was finishing her cigarette and we ended up chatting for an hour and a half.

I also exchanged numbers with a few other people and could see myself hanging out with them at some point.

When I became ‘un-shy’ or whatever one big concept I had to get through my head was that I couldn’t just become everyone’s best friend immediately (or ever). Friendships= chemistry + consistent interaction over time.

Would I recommend someone who wishes they were more social to try this challenge?

Mostly yes!

Overall, I think forcing yourself to talk to strangers is an expressway for developing yourself into a better person.

It’s one of the quickest ways to gain confidence in yourself, and makes you realize that you aren’t on the ‘outside looking in’ and that everyone else doesn’t posses some sort of ‘social secret’ that you aren’t being let in on. As I have learned recently, a lot of people, many who I never would have suspected, fear being in social situations where they don’t know anyone and feel that their social skills are lacking.

However, unless you are lucky enough to work from home and can sometimes get through days without ever leaving your own walls, I don’t know if going out and forcing conversation with random people in grocery stores is completely necessary to become better at socializing and expanding your social circle.

Again, cashiers are a gold mine for small-talk practice, and probably what got me to finally bust out of my shell a few years ago. They have to be nice to you, and if things are awkward you probably won’t ever see them again. And as a former employee in the service sector, I appreciated few things more than a customer that would break me out my mindless routine and treat me like an actual person.

The beauty about this project is that it can be scaled and modified to hit on whatever someone thinks their particular weaknesses might be. For instance, if I were to have done this in 2011, talking to just one random person a day would have been a major feat for me. If I had had the idea in college I probably would have made the qualifier be people in my classes.

Did you experience any other kind of benefits?

This has been written about for ages, but when you talk to everyone, your world just opens up. You discover and learn things about people, places, and yourself that no self-development blog, travel guide, or amount of introspection can ever teach you.

For example, a person I met at a party enlightened me about a local music blogger that hosts travelling bands (some reasonably big names, too) who will play a free show in exchange for a place to stay. These shows (at least the one I have gone to so far) are around 20-25 people and are easily one of the coolest secrets I have discovered in this city. Would I have ever found out about it if I didn’t consistently talk to whoever is around me? Highly unlikely.

I think it’s easy to assume in our digital-age that anything worth knowing can be found on the internet of our own accord, but other people hold secrets that can’t be discovered anywhere else.

Want to try 90 Strangers in 30 Days for yourself?