How the Grinch Got His Shit Together

(image courtesy of DeviantArt user TheChairmanofAwesome)
Poem by Andrew Elsass and (mostly) Dr. Seuss

Every person down in Presentville liked their lives a lot…
But the Grinch, who lived north in High Horse, did not.
The Grinch hated the Presents, and found something to bitch about every season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one knows quite the reason.

It could be he always thought things would be better next year.
It could be perhaps, that his mind was just full of fear.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his consciousness was two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason for him always being snappy,
He sat there on social media, hating those who were happy.
Staring on from his screen with a sour, Grinchy frown,
He felt jealous of his ‘friends’ living ‘perfect’ lives out on the town.

For he knew that every person he followed,
Was living a more exciting life while he sat and wallowed.
“And they’re getting married and having kids!” he snarled with a sneer,
“It’s like we’ve reached adulthood! It’s practically here!”

Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find some way to get this happiness to me forthcoming!”
It was an obsessive thought, this he knew,
But an easy life full of wealth he felt he was entitled to.

But then! Oh, the thoughts! Oh, the thoughts!
Thoughts! Thoughts! Thoughts!
That’s one thing he hated in his mind! All the THOUGHTS!

Then the Presents, he would see, would post and hashtag!
And they’d hashtag! And they’d hashtag! And they’d HASHTAG!
They would hashtag about what they were grateful for, and hashtag about their dreams,
Which was something that made the Grinch want to scream!

And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every person down in Presentville, the tall and the small,
Would assemble at bars where the jukebox would be blaring,
They’d stand in circles, snapping pictures they’d start sharing!

They’d share on Facebook! And they’d share on Instragram! And they’d SHARE! SHARE! SHARE! SHARE!

And the more the Grinch saw of all this happy sharing,
The more the Grinch thought, “How is my life comparing?”
“Why, for 24 years I’ve put up with it now!”
“That’s it, I must finally arrive! But HOW?

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
“I know just what I’ll do!” the Grinch laughed, creating a Tinder account,
Dreaming of the stories he’d have and his incoming match amounts.

And he chuckled and clucked, “What a great Grinchy trick!”
“With some fresh pictures of me, I’ll get all the hot chicks!”
“All I need is a name brand on myself…” The Grinch looked around,
But since he was still hourly, there were none to be found.

Did that stop the old Grinch? No! The Grinch simply said,
“If I can’t find any cash, I’ll put it on credit instead!”
Because no matter the angle he stood at in front of the mirror,
None of the filters could make his clothes fresher or his skin clearer.

So he put on the best outfit he had and hopped in his ride,
A 2003 Civic with fat rims on each side.
Then the Grinch said, “Swerve!” and his car started up,
Toward town shooting fat bass sounds from his sub.

Everyone was talking at coffee shops and bars like noisy larks,
All the Present people were talking together, generating sparks.
No one discussed office drama or feeling overworked,
No one discussed Kim Kardashian’s ass or Miley Cyrus’ twerk.

“This is stop number one,” the young Grinch said,
And he walked into the store, full of swagger from his toes to his head.
Few people’s heads turned, but the cute barista was at the counter,
The Grinch thought, “I’ll finally get her number, and shut up all the doubters.”

He stalled a few times, for a minute or two,
Checking his phone for inspiration and to see what was new.
Then the moment had passed and she went off duty anyway,
“Just as well,” he thought, “she’s not skinny enough to be my bae!”

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most loathsome,
Collecting the right goods so he’d no longer be lonesome.
Boots! And watches! Raw denim! Peacoats!
Tweed pants! Wool socks! Wayfarers! Shoes for boats!

Then the Grinch and his new debt put on each item,
And began to snap some selfies, adding Sutro, Inkwell, Walden.
Then he uploaded them to see whose eyes he could catch,
Along with the perfect bio, “Hit me up, just looking for some snatch!”

But hours later his confidence came crashing down quick as a flash,
Why that Grinch actually thought all these clothes would get him some ass!
With only two matches from bots, he deleted everything faster than you’d believe,
“I really wish,” sighed the Grinch, “I would have kept the receipts!”

And the Grinch beat himself up, and started home disgraced,
When he bumped into someone, looked up, and a saw a familiar face.
She was 5’5″, had nice lips, and blue-green eyes!
Little Jamie Clark, an old classmate from whom he once borrowed school supplies.

The Grinch had always had a crush on this tiny Present girl,
But never had the guts to give it a whirl.
She smiled at the Grinch and said, “Hi! I remember you!”
“What are you up to these days, is anything new?”

Nothing was, but that Grinch thought he was so smart and so slick,
He thought up some lies, and he thought them up quick!
“Why, my old friend,” the Grinch tried to be debonair,
“Life has been amazing, it can’t really compare.”

“I make close to six-figures, I guess I’ll declare,”
“With vacation, full benefits, and even dental care.”
And his fib bored the girl, “That’s nice,” she said,
“It was good seeing you,” and as she left the Grinch felt misled.

While some of what he said was a lie,
It was still a fact that he was looking extra fly!
Defeated, all he wanted to do was go home and get high,
But he didn’t even know anyone to buy from, he had no guy.

Trying to do what they say and count his blessings in life,
His mind just kept looping back toward how to bag a wife.
Wanting answers, the Grinch stayed up all night,
Switching between looking at addiction and inspiration, between dark and light.

And when he finally tried to call it a night and lie down,
He received a text from his old pal named Sal! He was here, back in town!
He wanted to hang! And catch up! And go downtown!
7 o clock that next night! At the back bar of Fox and Hound!

Like was habit, when they met the Grinch began mindlessly gossiping,
Not noticing his friend’s disapproval and that he had been blossoming:
“I am glad you say you are doing well, but I can see it in your eyes,”
“You feel like something is missing, and covering it up with lies.”

“That’s bullshit,” scoffed the Grinch, “that I simply don’t need to hear!”
And with shifty eyes he anxiously sipped on his beer.
The conversation tempered and changed subjects, and then his friend had to go,
And then a sadness in the Grinch emerged—it started in small. Then it started to grow.

But this feeling wasn’t making sense! He did everything he was supposed to do!
Frustrated, he ordered another round of Bud Heavy, in fact, make it two!
Perhaps maybe he could have gotten a little more swole and a little more fit,
Or perhaps…maybe everything he thought he knew was complete bullshit.

And the Grinch, walking home with his Grinch-sneaks cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How the hell could his be so?”
“But I had the threads! I had all the swag!”
“I got my jeans to have just the right amount of sag!”

And he refreshed for three hours, til his refresher was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe happiness,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a kind of social score.”
“Maybe happiness…perhaps…means a little bit more!”

And what happened then? Well…in Presentville they say,
That the Grinch’s small consciousness grew three sizes that day!
And the minute he started appreciating what he had right then,
He started to the view the world through a whole new lens.

So he took back the clothes and ignored his accounts,
And he himself, the Grinch! Began to take on the world, scorning his self-doubt.

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